Today was less bad than yesterday, I believe. All of today can mostly be summed up as moving between boredom, irritability and, to a lesser extent, worry. I don't even know if I can assert that as entirely true, thoughbeit. I can't tell if I experience emotions because I tell myself that I am experiencing them and then actually experience them because I am telling myself that I am. In fact, I don't feel like a reliable narrator in this thread at all because I have this little inkling in the back of my mind that I am lying, that I don't actually feel like this and that I am playing it up for the sake of wanting to victimize myself.
<I notice that my father is even more prone to stress than I am. He presents himself with this overly chipper, friendly and almost cartoonish demeanor to me and my younger sister, although it's apparent to both of us that it's a charade, which is not to say that my father isn't a good man: he definitely is, far better than most fathers, in fact. I just find it quite bizarre and a bit off-putting at times, considering I am now legally an adult and my sister is in her mid teenage years. All it takes is something small to set him off and he immediately gets panicked or overwhelmed, which usually results in him talking to himself loudly in a high pitched voice, becoming passive aggressive, or, if he allows himself to release his stress, shouting, usually at the dog or the television. I found myself mirroring this behavior today when I got home. I was going to take the dog out on a walk when my sister came home and opened the door as I was about to put the leash on the dog, causing me to shout "CLOSE THE FUCKING DOOR" followed instantly by defusing into a high pitched, meek "haha yeah sorry I was just afraid he was going to run out onto the road", which was an unlikely scenario. Every time my dog stopped to sniff the spot another dog pissed in, I just became even more agitated and would pull him away, occasionally muttering or just outright saying "fuck off" because all I wanted to do was go home. I was quite annoyed by other dog owners not having the common courtesy to keep their dog on a leash while its in an open area of the park, and so if their dog followed mine, I would not stop and would just continue walking until their dog went back to the owner. I almost always do this, even if it means the other dog owner has to repeatedly shout for their dog to come back or even has to run and get them. They should be more responsible.
<And then, when I finally get home, what waits for me? I have a few hours of "recreation", which aren't so much good as they are simply just not explicitly and entirely bad. If you ever bring this up around normies, which I haven't and wouldn't advise, you'll probably get the age old platitude of "well it could be worse, you could be living in Africa, you could be poor, you could have cancer". At least if I had terminal cancer I would have a fast track out of this gay nigger earth and I would get to use super awesome makeawish powers to get Quote to shut down this website already (that's a joke, jannies and nusois). I don't know if most people, normies or otherwise, are truly happy with their lives or if they just act like they are on the outside. It's easy to say that since they're mostly all hedonists, they will live their lives jumping from one dopamine source to another, be it girlfriends, drugs, parties, the like, that they don't care and will continue obliterating their prefrontal cortexes to avoid having to contemplate their situation until they die or run out of things to do, which will then cause them to become depressed. Even still, I still think at least half of the western population probably does feel dejected and unfulfilled most or all of the time due to the callous, bloated, unjust and immoral state of our modern world, no matter how many dopamine surges their brain receives on an hourly basis.
>>85529>you doin ts to feel more bad and get emotional relief or something?I don't really think so, having people call me a faggot or a retard doesn't provide any sense of catharsis or counterintuitive masochistic pleasure whatsoever. I'd probably link the root cause back to the OP, feeling like a background character and not being able to truly connect with people meaningfully. I'd rather leak about my emotions on this board than anywhere else since my journal has gotten pretty sterile and talking to AI is just like talking to reddit.com if it was a turbo people pleaser with fast responses.
