I know this probably won't come off as relatable to most of you, but I feel that I waste so much of my time online trying to connect with people when I know that, fundamentally, it's a futile endeavor. I'm not going to list any identifiable characteristics or names, but I've namefagged, avatarfagged and gimmicked around on multiple different boards (r9k excluded, I'm not that much of a fag), on multiple different websites, just to achieve nothing. Fundamentally, I still feel separate to other people no matter how hard I try. I oftentimes get these thoughts in my head that I'm not human, that I'm a supreme being above everybody else or an animal so far beneath them depending on my mood. Although I prefer my status as a background character in real life, a plus one for others and just another face in the crowd, I sometimes wish that it weren't so online, since the internet is the one place where I should truly be able to truthfully and meaningfully express myself, perhaps even to the point of establishing connections.
<preddit
I viewed the opening of SoyBooru's forums as a new opportunity to take another swing at making myself known, perhaps even establishing some shallow connections, but I gave up after a week following some particularly vexing feelings of shame, inadequacy and hopelessness at my own failures. I know it's stupid to think that something as minor as responding to people or earnestly engaging in a thread about a controversial topic with people I don't know already is too daunting a task for me, but it's quite true. I've tried different chatrooms, different imageboards, different hobbies, but I still somehow always feel as if I am sitting at somebody else's lunch table with somebody else's friend group, one I am not a part of. I have "friends" in real life, although I don't really want to refer to most of them as such, as they're only people I get along with because we share classes together and I know how to act in their presence. It's nothing like how people are friends in movies or television, and I make sure to never act vulnerable or share some of my less normal interests in their presence. None of my friends trust me either, since I actively choose to not speak with or go anywhere with them outside of classes because I don't view them as worthy of my time and energy. Why is it that I can at least make surface level friendships in real life, but its so difficult to do so online, the one place where I can truly be honestly myself?