i’m moving out with my gf in 6 days. i thought i was ready but im extremely anxious and nervous now. im a sperg she has adhd, im the type of sperg where i have overlaps with ocd and anxiety and she’s the opposite. very messy, more care free, and it stresses me out even though i love her more than anything. im scared of the room being too cluttered even doe its a huge ass room. im going to miss my dad a lot.
i know it seems like im moving out for no reason but i need my own space away from my dad, he works from home every single day and is really bad at budgeting leaving us with no food a lot of the time, plus our house is tiny. we have a dog that is very agressive to new people meaning i can’t really have friends over, it’s a pain to get into the city too and i work in the city.
i’ve saved up 4k, my rent is $116 a week including bills, and i make an income of $350 a week so i can definitely afford it. the finances aren’t stressing me out. i’m genuinely just having a sperg meltdown right now because im so anxious and stressed. i’m outside having a cigarette while writing this while she studies in my room. i was packing up my room before i went outside.
i want to cry so badly but i physically can’t, i haven’t cried in so long. i don’t know what to do chuds. i am ready but im not at the same time and i can’t back out now. i know it is the right decision to put myself out into the world and it’ll benefit me greatly. i’m only 18 and my dad says i can always move back in if i feel the need.
i say this <Kill niggers. Behead niggers. Roundhouse kick a nigger into the concrete. Slam dunk a nigger baby into the trashcan. Crucify filthy blacks. Defecate in a nigger's food. Launch niggers into the sun. Stir fry niggers in a wok. Toss niggers into active volcanoes. Urinate into a nigger's gas tank. Judo throw niggers into a wood chipper. Twist niggers' heads off. Report niggers to the IRS. Karate chop niggers in half. Curb stomp pregnant black niggers. Trap niggers in quicksand. Crush niggers in the trash compactor. Liquefy niggers in a vat of acid. Eat niggers. Grind niggers in the garbage disposal. Vaporize niggers with a ray gun. Feed niggers to alligators. Slice niggers with a katana. Blast niggers with Civil War cannons. Whip niggers into obedience. Slingshot a nigger into orbit. Rocket niggers into the sun. Bite a nigger and drink their blood. Drown niggers in fried chicken grease. Stomp nigger skulls with steel-toed boots. Cremate niggers in the oven. Lobotomize niggers. Mandatory abortions for niggers. Grind nigger fetuses in the garbage disposal. Kick old niggers down the stairs. Gas niggers in the chamber. Dissect niggers. Exterminate niggers. Trampoline a nigger baby into cinderblocks. Hang niggers from trees. Burn niggers alive. Skin niggers. Boil niggers in oil.
alright, i keep relapsing so i'm making this thread as a reminder to stop. i'm also making it so i don't go crazy and that i can get this off my chest, i don't know why i keep going back to it after all of the problems it's caused me. ik this is some embarrassing shit, but recently i was doing it towards some fairly average lovey dovey romantic hentai. though while i was doing it, i was also looking at my other tabs. during that, i saw a thumbnail of a tranime girl that i recognized who's supposed to be a teenager. this made me feel weird as hell, even if i just happened to see her while finishing to what i was originally looking at. i know i wasn't gooning to her, but it made me feel gross regardless. though, i saw it as a mistake on my part. it wasn't any explicitly sexual thumbnail either. < after that, i tried continuing like nothing happened. of course, i was once again dumb enough to look at my other tabs while i was still doing it. on youtube, i saw another thumbnail which had a random actual kid and it freaked me out. i took it off and immediately went back to the original tab i was on and got done there. after that, i checked that youtube page again for a few seconds to have a better look at what that thumbnail was to see if i was right on it being a kid, and then i left. none of it was actually sexual or anything, but it just unsettled me seeing glimpses of that while i was in the moment. anyways, i've been replaying these events in my mind constantly. it doesn't help that i've had plenty of other worries like this before, alongside a lot of other worrying things i did related to hentai and r34 art sites (which i don't ever want to repeat, none of it was real but it was still unsettling). i'm not even sure if i was being careful enough with that stuff just a while ago on another relapse. > i think i've realized that now, i have to stop no matter what. it's taking a huge toll on my mental health, and it's making me even more paranoid. if you find this funny i can't blame you, since i can find some humor in it too. but this has put me through some horrible shit, atp it's either life or death. hopefully, this will get me to stop being fucking stupid. i'd like to make sure i permanently quit before i turn 22
