I'm kinda lonely

I'm curious if anybody else is able to relate

I enjoy learning but dislike school, I had a high gpa in high school and I'm currently passing my classes in college. However, I dislike school/academia, it all feels redundant and more so a conscientous contest rather than actually gaining an understanding of a topic. I dislike academia for how bureaucratic it can be. When I was NEET, I self-studied (using books) and found that I'm far more effective self teaching, and found it more enjoyable/fuffiling than school could ever be (I enjoy studying various topics for leisure). I wish I would just direct the energy I allocate towards school, towards my personal learning.

I find the nominations and ceremonies that I attended in High School and were apart of to now be trivial. I don't see the point in attending a university commencement when I conclude university. When I attended my sister's commencement, the speaker told the graduates that the ceremony is the most free they will be. So what's the point of spending your last moments free at a ceremony instead of spending it on something you enjoy. In high school, college was hyped up, and "the college experience" was advertised. Having breifly attended a college known for being a party school, I must say that it's not appealing to me, as that's when I discovered that I dislike crowds, and have no interest in parties or large gatherings.

Although I intend to finish college. I do ponder about what my ideal life would be like. My ideal life (in which I don't pursue college or attempt to continue my bloodline, and assuming it's an ideal world) would consist of lving in a low populated area, working some mundane job, that in this ideal life would pay enough to cover the cost of living. And I would spend my leisure time enjoying solitude outdoors, self-teaching/studying, plane spotting and other interest.

What would your ideal life consist of?

why would I bother to protect a woman from a lizard being when she would just accuse me of raping her

There's this really pretty blonde vantaaryan girl at my local Catholic church. I had a long convo with her and I think I like her.

I am over-empathetic towards some things/people that I shouldn't be.

I feel like i've been losing my mind for the past year, but I don't know what to do about it. My memory, concentration and motivation have all degraded significantly since the start of the year, and i've become more reckless, irritable and apathetic especially within the last few months. My mind is plagued near constantly with intrusive thoughts and fears that did not exist, or at least were not nearly as bad a year ago as they are now. I've always been pretty apathetic and pessimistic, but now it feels like there's truly nothing to really look forward to. I've tried distracting myself, but it all feels inherently pointless when I have no greater goal or passion in life. I wouldn't consider myself actively suicidal, but I admittedly don't have a reason to live. I mean it really feels hopeless because this isn't like a thing where I want something but am unable to achieve it, right now what I want is to want something. I wish I could believe in something bigger than myself, like a religion or some ideology, but I just don't. I don't even have a greater dream like starting a family or some career I really want to pursue, nor do I think the shit I do distract myself with is a big enough reason to stay alive.

A couple weeks ago I got frustrated by how stagnant and directionless everything felt, and thought that by hurting myself it'd spark some sort of massive change or break from the monotony of repeating the same day over and over, that'd get my life back on track. It didn't change anything at all, and self harm is faggot behaviour anyways so I shouldn't have done it in the first place. The only thing it did do is convince me that I might need to seriously consider actually doing something about all of this before I end up impulsively killing myself or something. The issue is, any (((doctor))) or (((psychiatrist))) I tell about this is surely going to try and force me to take (((meds))) or institutionalise me or something. I also can't tell anyone in my personal life either because I've not told any of this to anyone, and as far as everyone's concerned i'm completely fine, so It'd be kinda selfish of me to lay this onto someone else, especially all at once. So yeah, I feel like i'm all out of options right now. Any ideas or insight would be appreciated.

r9k bump thread

I'd like to preface this by saying this isn't related to trooning out or faggotry and is rather me asking for advice as im slowly trying to be rid of a mental issue I've had for a long time.

Im a man but I don't 100% understand how to be one entirely, I grew up without a father figure and I was mentally ill and deeply isolated in my tween/teen years and was suicidal. I've always been very sensitive cuz of autism and very physically weak and small my whole life, I was really insecure about this in high school and I was already depressed so I found myself latching onto media like deltarune and sanrio stuff and a variety of cute themed furry webcomics because I saw myself in/related to "soft" male characters like ralsei or Yonkagor's characters, I never really saw myself in or related to normal masculine men due to the circumstances of my childhood.

Originally I just did fantasies of getting away from reality like waking up as Ralsei and wandering his big fun castle and going on adventures, however it turned over time from just coping with my insecurities to actively seriously wanting to be the characters so I could be cute and "pretty" like them and not have any hardships or expectations, and because I was not well in the head the fantasy reached a point where I got the idea of offing myself to escape the real world and then going to a afterlife where I basically become one of those characters so I could BE an cute fluffy cartoon character forever.

While I have made alot of progress in subduing this it warped my perception of self where whenever I think or picture myself doing something even typing things out or reading things I don't hear my actual voice but just naturally hear some squeaky cartoon character voice in my head when I think or read something, because my brain just got used to picturing myself as that.

Whats should I do about this? I really envy normal guys who grow up and do normal lives without ever having these weird fantasies because I mostly don't know what to do about the fact my brain wants me to off myself so I can be whisked off to furry fantasyland as discount ralsei forever but I'd like to hear from you guys what I should do about it.

The mindset pill is BRUTAL. When I was a kid I was always down on myself. Like one time I got 19/20 on some math test in 3 grade and I cried for 10 mins. Even teachers started to tell my parents about this, saying that "I have a lot of stress for a young boy" in like 3 grade. Now im older and I still have a shitty mindset and my day gets ruined over one mistake or mean comment made to me (irl). It was over at birth