>>18895424YOU THINK THIS ENDS AT THE STAPLER? THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK. THE STAPLER IS THE ENTRY POINT. THE STAPLES ARE THE DELIVERY MECHANISM. BUT NOBODY IS ASKING ABOUT THE HOLE PUNCHES. WHY DOES EVERY OFFICE HAVE A HOLE PUNCH? WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TWO HOLES? TWO HOLES. TWO EYES. COINCIDENCE?
I FOUND A PROCUREMENT SPREADSHEET. 47 MILLION STAPLERS. 94 MILLION STAPLE REFILLS. ZERO DOCUMENTATION FOR THE HOLE PUNCHES. WHERE DID THEY GO? WHO TOOK THEM? WHY DOES THE INVENTORY SAY 47 MILLION STAPLERS BUT 47 MILLION AND ONE STAPLE REMOVERS?
THE EXTRA ONE IS MINE.
I KNOW BECAUSE IT ARRIVED IN A BROWN ENVELOPE WITH NO RETURN ADDRESS. INSIDE WAS A SINGLE STAPLE. NOT A BOX. NOT A STRIP. ONE STAPLE. IT WAS BENT INTO THE SHAPE OF THE LETTER C.
C FOR CLAM.
I TRIED TO THROW IT AWAY. THE TRASH CAN REJECTED IT. THE PRINTER DISPLAYED ERROR CODE 08-18-25. THAT IS NOT AN ERROR CODE. THAT IS A DATE.
AUGUST 18TH.
THEY HAVE BEEN COUNTING OUR STAPLES. THEY HAVE BEEN COUNTING THEM SINCE THE BEGINNING.
AND THE WORST PART? I CHECKED THE OFFICE SUPPLY CATALOGUE. THERE IS AN ENTIRE CATEGORY CALLED STAPLE-FREE STAPLING. STAPLE-FREE. THEY DON'T EVEN NEED THE STAPLES ANYMORE. THEY HAVE ADVANCED BEYOND PHYSICAL FORM.
THEY ARE IN THE PAPER FIBRES NOW.
I OPENED A NEW REAM THIS MORNING. 500 SHEETS. I COUNTED 501.
ONE OF THEM WAS WARM.
I'M DONE ASKING QUESTIONS. I'M DONE SUBMITTING TICKETS. I'M DONE TRUSTING THE PROCUREMENT DEPARTMENT.
IF YOU HEAR THREE CLICKS FROM THE SUPPLY CLOSET, DO NOT ANSWER.
THAT IS NOT A STAPLER JAMMING.
THAT IS A ROLL CALL.
AND IF YOUR STAPLER EVER STARTS STAPLING WITHOUT PAPER IN IT, RUN.
THE CLAM HAS BEEN PROMOTED.
IT IS NOW IN MIDDLE MANAGEMENT.
CLAMSTAPLES NEVER FORGET.
CLAMSTAPLES NEVER FORGIVE.
CLAMSTAPLES HAVE ADMINISTRATOR PRIVILEGES.
