Sometimes I realize how sad my situation really is. I was talking with some people at my college that I was relatively friendly with, we talk with eachother in our classes and they genuinely like my presence. I remember them commenting on how I'm basically the odd one out of the 4 of us, nobody seems to really know who I am or any of my interests. Someone even asked if I just transferred to the college(I hadn't, I've been here for 2 years). They asked me if I had any friends here and I told them I didn't. They asked who I talked with and I mentioned talking online. I told them my online friendships are deeper than my irl ones and one of them said that was sad. And it really is. I have 6 contacts on my phone, half of those are family members.

The worst part is that these aren't your archetypal chads. These people were also nerds, probably spergs or some other mental condition. And even they have actual friends and connections, the least contacts one of them had was 50. I'm completely incapable of establishing actual human connections. I can joke around with people for a few hours but I can never form long term relationships. I just don't get it. Where do they all get the time for it? All the interaction they seem to have. It's like there's some secret social club everyone else is in that I just have no clue exists.

I think I have mostly come to peace with this. I've accepted that I'm not really capable of having social relations and at this point I don't care. I'm happy alone and I simply lack the energy to maintain long term relationships. I've looked into potential having schizoid personality disorder, a lot of my behavior aligns well with it. I vastly prefer interaction online, I'm just not built to have irl friends.