i have no one to talk to this about. this is going to be a long and personal post about my previous childhood trauma and what my mother put me through. i’ve come to terms with it all and partially repaired my relationship with her, we live a plane ride away from eachother but i never visit her due to my trauma but i have very long and frequent phone calls with her for some context. ive never fully forgiven her because to be honest i can’t, but ive accepted it and dont hold any malice towards her. i just got off the phone with her and she dropped a lot on me. i need to let it out im shocked and upset and its just a lot. i need to talk about it where no one knows me personally.

i was talking with my mom today and she starts crying when talking about how her stepdad has dementia and isn’t coping well with the home he’s been put into. i deemed this as odd because she never had a good relationship with him or liked him too much but of course i was asking if she was okay and what the matter was. she’s talking about how she’s struggling with it because her mom needs so much support in this time and her job is taking a toll on her for it etc etc. again she’s sobbing a lot and i felt like it wasn’t the full truth. she drops it on me that she wants to leave my stepdad and i agree, he’s a horrible man and i’ve never liked him. i console her through the call and tell her it’s okay and she needs to leave if she’s been feeling like this for years, she told me she cries so much because of how much she wants to leave and im getting pretty upset too because it’s sad hearing your mom sob to you when you can’t go see her or anything. she starts apologising to me for what she did to me and what she put me through. she used to take a lot of drugs, opiates, meth, and herion to be exact, i used to find her passed out or if she wasn’t passed out she’d be incomprehensibly talking to me and it was scary, it was genuinely like a homeless crack head who babbles at you on the street except i was 8/9 and it was my own mother in my own house. it deeply traumatised me, she used to forget to pick me up from school, she crashed the car three times with me in it because she was driving on drugs, she could barely take care of my two year old brothers too. it was a very scary and traumatic time for me that i had to do 7 years of trauma therapy through a psychologist. i’m leaving out details but just know it was bad and deeply painful. a few years after she started doing drugs she moved away to be closer to her family to get help with my little brothers and my step dad moved with her of course so it was just me with my dad which was wonderful, i love my dad so much and look up to him a lot. so she was apologising non stop for doing drugs then leaving me a year later. she drops the bomb that she wants to leave my step dad and i agree that she should do that. she goes on talking more and more about it all and she gets mad about my dad or something i cant quite remember and talks about how he always used her drug usage against her to make her feel bad and paint her as the bad guy. which i mean yeah its true you should never involve children in your junkie shit. and then she went on to drop something on me.

my dad has a chronic condition, CRPS, look it up. permanent nerve pain that’s caused for no external factors it’s your brain playing tricks but the pain feels 100% real; he described it as it felt like someone was slicing his arm open with a box cutter slowly and deeply. i had to live with my mom for 6 months while she was pregnant with my brothers because my dad was going through too much pain. during the start of month two living with her she got hospitalised due to pregnancy complications and i was only living with my stepdad and i hated it cause he didn’t treat me like his kid he treated me like a roommate and i was mad and sad because i missed my dad and my mom. well, i wasn’t actually living with her because of his CRPS at the time. she told me that he was fucked up on drugs. this has destroyed me. obviously he is clean now because i wouldn’t have guessed if i didn’t think too deeply and i was 7/8 at the time. but now it gets kind of complicated.

i have memories of the period before i went to live with my mom. my stepdad would always come to my dads house and he’s always been a suspicious guy. he was actually my dads sisters friend before he dated my mom so that adds another layer, my mom KNEW what he was like and my dad knew him in and out before my mom started dating him. he was suspicious and i had bad vibes even as a little kid. i asked my mom straight up if my stepdad has anything to do with getting my dad addicted, and she said yes.

post is too long so i’ll continue in the comments even doe snca