yesterday i was suposed to go on an halloween with my ”friends” go for a walk in the city, get a few beers and go to ome of my friends friend party he was hosting. But of course i’ve got spit at my face, one said that he cant got because they are tired from a party they attended day earlier, and the other left me on read and messaged me in the middle of the night later (saying bs like ”Oh sorry anon, i was busy and could not text back”). They probably went to that party, had a lot of fun and just did have the balls to tell me to my face that i am the most socialy akward person to ever walk on this planet. So with no other plan for the night i’ve decided to stay at my home but parents asked me if i am going to the party i was suposed to go, and i lied to their face that the party was moved an hour later and that i’m going for sure. I didn’t want to make them feel bad that their son is an total looser with 2 friends that have befrended me out of pity that only talk to him once per 1-2, ended up going on an 3 hour long walk in the city seeing normies having genuene fun whilst i alone walked in middle of an city like an dirty rag nobody wanted to touch or look at, all that just to make my parents thing that i actualy hafe friends and went to that party. Then i came back to my basement to get drunk and played EU4 till like 3am, could not even go to sleep after that because my fucking le hecking wholsome chungus tranny downstairs neighbour made xis halloween party inviting xeir tranny where most of xem wore silent hill costumes and other trannyslop characters from dead by daylight.

Now i alone sitting in my basement, the phone is dry, the mind is dry, even my cord friends don’t write to me anymore, and anytime i try to write to anyone at this point i feel like some atention starved whore, or even the thought to talking or opening out to talk about problems i have makes me feel like a faggot that is romanticising depression or lonliness. The thing is that when i am actually hanging out with my friends when they didnt have the full group out i fell connected, i feel actually happy to talk to these people as they have same intrests and hobbies as i do, i deeply cherish those moments, but always as the hangout ends i just feel an total apathy, an realisation that only i feel that way about these people and they thing nothing of me, the thought of me being that one filler friend in every group i’ve ever came in contact with haunts me. This situation didn’t come out of some grudge or an conflict, it’s just that some people got more connected as friends, some didn’t, the time just moved on and so did the friendships. Now i am scared of making new friends as the last time i wanted to do that, even more bravely by trying to befriend an woman, i got told to just kill my self or just got classified as an schizo or an autist.