I feel like i've been losing my mind for the past year, but I don't know what to do about it. My memory, concentration and motivation have all degraded significantly since the start of the year, and i've become more reckless, irritable and apathetic especially within the last few months. My mind is plagued near constantly with intrusive thoughts and fears that did not exist, or at least were not nearly as bad a year ago as they are now. I've always been pretty apathetic and pessimistic, but now it feels like there's truly nothing to really look forward to. I've tried distracting myself, but it all feels inherently pointless when I have no greater goal or passion in life. I wouldn't consider myself actively suicidal, but I admittedly don't have a reason to live. I mean it really feels hopeless because this isn't like a thing where I want something but am unable to achieve it, right now what I want is to want something. I wish I could believe in something bigger than myself, like a religion or some ideology, but I just don't. I don't even have a greater dream like starting a family or some career I really want to pursue, nor do I think the shit I do distract myself with is a big enough reason to stay alive.

A couple weeks ago I got frustrated by how stagnant and directionless everything felt, and thought that by hurting myself it'd spark some sort of massive change or break from the monotony of repeating the same day over and over, that'd get my life back on track. It didn't change anything at all, and self harm is faggot behaviour anyways so I shouldn't have done it in the first place. The only thing it did do is convince me that I might need to seriously consider actually doing something about all of this before I end up impulsively killing myself or something. The issue is, any (((doctor))) or (((psychiatrist))) I tell about this is surely going to try and force me to take (((meds))) or institutionalise me or something. I also can't tell anyone in my personal life either because I've not told any of this to anyone, and as far as everyone's concerned i'm completely fine, so It'd be kinda selfish of me to lay this onto someone else, especially all at once. So yeah, I feel like i'm all out of options right now. Any ideas or insight would be appreciated.